We’re so close
Yet so far away
But hurt emotions
I find myself letting go
Yet holding on at the same time
I push away yet continue to pull
I say no, but I wish it could be yes
Time doesn’t mean anything
1 year or 7 years of loving you
And I still can’t make up my mind
Why can’t I be real with you?
But I already know the answer.
I don’t want to lose you.
But haven’t I already?
Then why can’t I let you go?
Because it’s not over yet.
There’s still a chance for us.
What’s there left to do?
Fight for you.
When will I give up?
When will I let go?
The more I think about it,
The more I know I won’t.
How did I allow it to get this far?
How did I allow myself to suffocate?
Seeing you across the hall,
Over and over again I believe it’s fate.
Waiting for you to come my way,
Telling myself you are whom I deserve.
Yet here you are in my way,
And all I have are questions and answers.
Head over heels
I can feel myself fall
Yet it’s a little too real
Since this isn’t real at all
How am I so love sick?
For someone I’ve never been in love with
Why do I allow myself to indulge in this fantasy?
When I already know it’s not meant to be
I used to keep a journal, until I felt like it contributed to my demise.
I threw it all away: my thoughts, my pain, my words.
Awhile ago, a friend gave me a journal as a birthday gift, in hopes that I use it. I still have not. I do not feel that this is a good time in my life to write in such a special gift.
I cannot bear the thought of writing my mixed feelings in the beautiful book she gave me, yet I heed her words when she tells me that I should open up regarding my feelings.
So here I am again. As a favor to her, I’m opening myself up to you.